I have to be honest, I haven’t been watching “The Bachelor” this season, which means Pat hasn’t either. I know he’s secretly heart broken. So, after receiving numerous requests for Pat to rant about “The Bachelor” after he so eloquently told us about “Grey’s Anatomy,” I figured we’d have to watch a bit. Here are my thoughts before I welcome Pat’s.
That first episode was horrible at best. I pretty much skipped through the whole thing. They must have run out of material because they have likely realized the dullness a standup guy brings to the show. I am pretty sure there were three LIVE proposals during this chaotic first episode. Hopefully Bachelor nation enjoyed them because if that were my boyfriend, there’d be no future Mr. and Mrs. anything. How unromantic and unoriginal. And I am not even a sap.
I am also really not digging how much they’re using the fact that good old Colton is a virgin. It’s like they can’t find anything else to focus on, and instead, we’re forced to watch suggestive girls throwing themselves at Colton. This whole situation leaves me in a state of moral strife. It’s bad enough he’ll have the decision of fantasy suites, but there is nothing wrong with being a virgin. There’s also nothing wrong with waiting until marriage; I pray my children wait for marriage. I guarantee Colton wouldn’t be on the show though had he said he was waiting until marriage. That would’ve been waaaaaaaayyyy too traditional and unbelievable in this day and age. Instead he’s waiting for love. Meh.
It used to be that being a virgin was normal and expected, and if you weren’t you were considered damaged goods. We all remember “The Scarlet Letter,” right? Nowadays, if you’re an adult and a virgin, the thought becomes, “What’s wrong with you?”
Enough with my rant. Over to Pat.
What have I done? I berate “Grey’s Anatomy” one time, and next thing I know there are multiple people begging for my thoughts on “The Bachelor” too. So here I am with another guest appearance on the Juggling Work Mama blog. As before, I’m not offering any advice or encouragement; I’ll leave that to my wife. (Have you read Kathryn’s other posts? Much more informative and inspiring.) I’m just going to rant about this season of “The Bachelor.” As a reminder, I’m only half watching, or in this case, I watched the preview after the first rose ceremony, so there are gross inaccuracies that you’ll just have to accept. I realize this season isn’t over, but frankly, it doesn’t matter. Every season follows a simple formula.
Let me ask, what is the point of the preview? You see the same faces repeatedly for five minutes, effectively ruining any kind of suspense because you end up knowing the finalists. You also see half of the incredibly dramatic moments that have “never happened before,” as Chris likes to remind us. So why suffer through the rest of the season? The preview pretty much covered everything.
Speaking of incredibly dramatic moments, the producers pull the ultimate bait and switch every season, sometimes every episode. First, they build up the moment with preview snippets at least two to three times before the actual incident occurs. They lead you to believe one thing will happen, but it ends up being something completely different and rather disappointing. I remember one season of “The Bachelorette,” the producers led us to believe there was a knock-down, drag-out fight between half the guys in the house. You’re left wondering, “Wow! Did they really throw down?” Nope, not even a little bit. One of the guys got a bloody nose and black eye after falling out of bed. He was probably drunk, but we’ll get to that. The confrontation in the preview snippets were rearranged soundbites from the other guys that were taken completely out of context. And we, the audience, must fall for it every time, because they do it all the time.
Another great part of the preview is the crying. Soooooo much crying. I think they spend half the preview showing people crying for one reason or another. During the audition process, they must test whether or not you can cry on command. As an audience, we need to know these are real people going through a very emotional time in their lives, where EVERYTHING is at stake. The best way for us to remember they are real people is to see them cry, which they do…a lot.
The magnitude of alcohol consumption hurts my liver, but it leads to funny moments, like guys falling out of bed, fully clothed contestants jumping in the pool right before a rose ceremony, falling in heels, petty arguments, unnecessary muscle flexing, irrational competitiveness, epic stare downs, and of course, crying. Has anyone pooped themselves or thrown up during the rose ceremony? Does a semi-truck pull up to that mansion every week to restock the bar? There probably wouldn’t be so much crying if this wasn’t such a booze-fueled false reality. Then again, they might need this level of lubrication to maintain peak crying so we can get emotionally invested in these characters, so bottoms up!
And make no mistake, these contestants are characters. They act in a manner and are portrayed as caricatures of themselves. There might be actual depth to these people, but they are reduced down to soundbites and facial expressions that convey a single, easy to remember, easy to judge, descriptor. Then again, I’m skeptical of anyone who would want to be on this show, so they might not actually have a personality.
Every season has four keystone characters. The Bachelor is not one. His job is to provide voiceovers of the week’s events, tell us he is excited and hand out roses. Though we need to acknowledge Chris Harrison’s indispensable duty: letting the ladies know when it’s the final rose. I don’t know what we would do without him. Anyway, if people are going to emotionally invest in this season you need a hero, a villain, the winner and the voice of the house. At some points during the season you might have more than one lady filling each of these roles, but no one will care without them.
- The hero is the beautiful, personable, well-spoken and honorable contestant you would want to befriend in real life. You cheer for her vindication over the villain. Even though she doesn’t win, you hope she’s the next Bachelorette since she deserves a happily every after.
- The villain creates strife by monopolizing time, taking advantage of others’ courtesy, having a delusional sense of her own worth and generally comes across as someone you would avoid socially. (Read b*tch.) Ultimately, she doesn’t win, but you’re furious every time she gets a rose at the expense of our beloved heroes.
- The winner is the last woman standing, and frankly, doesn’t matter until the last episode, if at all. She’s usually not a hero but someone you like enough. She will proclaim her love for the Bachelor and accept his lifelong marriage proposal, or at least associate with him until the last episode airs.
- The voice of the house is usually one or two women who get on the camera to let us know that some of the girls “aren’t there for the right reasons.” She isn’t going to win, but we like her because she says what we are thinking.
You know what would make the greatest season of “The Bachelor” ever? If the nicest, overwhelming fan favorite from “The Bachelorette” is tapped to be the Bachelor, and he makes the ultimate heel turn by becoming the biggest dick that has ever lived. Imagine this guy showing no courtesy, checking out other girls on dates, smacking butts, drinking to the point of unconsciousness, showing no signs of commitment, making suggestive comments, ruining dates, heavily criticizing the contestants, instigating fights between the girls and being a total pig when talking to the camera. Would the girls still fawn after him and seek his attention at every turn? Would they fight for him like a pack of jackals? Would it break reality TV? I could see this being the highest or lowest rated season ever—there would be no middle ground. How would the producers try to package it? I think this needs to happen. It would be far less predictable than a five-minute preview.
